This October I traveled to Ireland with my Beloved, for rest, repair, regeneration and acceptance. We accomplished exactly that.
My Celtic ancestry called me to this sacred, mystical land. The nature is so verdant here. The land, trees, air and water are simply alive, even in their transition and descent.
We flew into Dublin without any plans except to find shared joy, seek presence and flow, follow our whimsical hearts, and to experience the mystical.
Our vision was a success. Although I was uncertain how this would unfold.
We started by following the music. The merry, the jolly, the folly. Irish music is so rich and tender. It activates the heart. I found myself shedding my defenses, releasing my guards. I found my higher rhythm. My laughter. My joy. My freedom.
Next we rented a car. Directionless, we simply drove through the winding rural hills pointed toward the Western Irish Coast, toward the Northern Atlantic Ocean. I believed medicine lived there.
It was true. The land spirits and elementals beckoned us. The winds were raw and crisp, and the water was salty and chaotic. The earth was mystical and ancient. The land was inhabited by the spirit of enchanting grace.
I was in the right place.
We stopped every chance we were called to commune: A living, waking meditation. To breathe the air of changing tides.
This wild wind was peeling off layers. Something ancient in me was dying. I could feel it preparing to leave, even if I couldn’t yet sense what was to perish.
Almost like an auric ring, or a holographic imprint, the field of energy leaving me was like a soft whisper or faint ghost.
Indistinguishable at first, I wasn’t fully conscious what a steady companion it had been for me and yet, how it had faded and wilted in my presence without my awareness.
Total atrophy.
In fact it had been a slow death, one which had been long in the making. I nurtured this friendship so long, I was reluctant to let her go. But she was now feeble. Her life-force, low.
She was leaving.
I hadn’t fully noticed because it was almost a non-event – this departure. Only distinguishable by the hindsight awareness that was perhaps more the absence of energy rather than the presence of anything additional.
The veil was lifting. The light coming in.
I could have almost missed this quiet neglect, the separation, but she is, in fact, simply gone. There is no mistaking the void now that light has filled the space.
Looking back, I can recall experiencing the awareness it was no longer there – a mystical story, of course.
We were chasing rainbows and stones. That is, my Beloved and I were chasing stone circles and standing stones which are foretold to be ancient cosmic portals.
We were transfixed. Our hearts were determined and drawn to this hunt for treasure.
Indeed, we found our treasures and stones. I can only be sure of this now, but this is the discernible moment I knew my independence had left me.
As if a spirit, slipping out of a body and drifting to a liminal space semi-consciously, my independence departed. It was simply not clinging to me anymore.
It detached, disappeared, descended.
Let me tell you what I know.
We had driven hours to find a sacred patch of elusive standing stones. So many wrong turns, dead ends, invisible roads and physical barriers. How would we find them?
Finally, after persistence and patient teamwork, we arrived.
More accurately, we were generally close. We found a spot to park on the one lane winding dirt road pushed up against a wire fence on a hill of wild earth. We had yet to discover the mysterious path to this pot of stoney gold. Sunset was nearing. There were no signs of human life. We were in hills of grass, deep in nature.
We exited the car and simply aimed back down the hill, still lost, when all at once the faintest rainbow appeared at exactly that moment.
It was a ways off, dropping into a field in the distance. As if an arrow plunging vertically into the earth saying, ‘right here…the magic you’re seeking is this-a-way!’
I knew the place we were looking for was divinely guiding us like a compass. Testing our faith and trust. ‘Do you dare not trust this beckoning light?’
Gratefully, we passed the test. Following this rainbow was the lighted path. But you already knew that. 😉
My heart, a magnet for the truth about magic.
It was not an easy road (through obstacles and dangers and mud and grass, through manure and bridges and livestock and standing water).
Our hearts were intent. We laughed and felt exuberant anticipation as we waddled toward our stones through this treacherous earth-scape.
Our stones were magical. I could feel it.
It’s only now I’m clear looking back, that when I left that field, my independence did not come out of there with me. She was gone.
What a beautiful resting place and crown of headstones for my companion, confidant and protector.
She had grown weak and frail. Her spirit, fading. And yet, I can’t help but admire this place to retire.
Although I don’t remember precisely when or how she slipped away, I just became aware that she no longer possessed me.
I was free. She was free. Our bond, broken. And our contract dissolved.
By now I had accumulated so many fractals and worthy experiences in connection, in peace, in intuition, in love, and in flow, I had truly become more of the sacred whole and less of an independent part.
I was now more of this, and less of that.
Still I loved her, the fierce independent woman. She was bold and courageous, she was strong and she was sharp. She was brave and she was untamed. She was willful and determined, and she was BIG.
She was also tired, and her heart was longing. She desired to be cherished and to be known. Her force-field existence wasn’t sustainable.
She needed even more trust – her capacity was bigger than this. Her heart desired a devotional path.
I don’t know where she went, I can only imagine if I were her I would have dissolved into the center of that stone circle, at the bottom of a rainbow spark, on a quiet hill in misty, mystical Ireland.
Evaporating into stardust.
I pray that wherever she had gone, she would rest easy, learn to dance, and laugh with wild abandon. I pray she lets her hair down. I pray her life is filled with love and deep meaning. I pray her days are peaceful, but interesting and the seeker within charges on.
I hope she softens into her feminine archetype and swings the doors wide open to her sweet generous heart. I hope she has a ceremony for her grief, and she allows the smoke to clear it all away.
I hope she quintessentially knows unconditional love, and I hope she dishes it out unapologetically.
I hope the oracle within her illuminates with golden knowing. And her connection to divine source is conjunct.
I hope she knows peace, flow, relaxation and restoration. I hope she finds ancient ritual and ceremonial medicine. And most of all- her free bird spirit.
I can’t say, and perhaps I’ll never know, but I will keep imagining her that way. Finding all these things.
Filled up with all she lost, had stolen, left behind or given away. Whole again.
All of her reconciled, conscious parts could finally show her that independence was not what made her safe. That was an illusion.
Rather, the way she would feel truly safe was to learn to trust herself in the container of this complex and multidimensional life. To know and share her sacred Self.
With this power and faith in herself, she could never not feel protected and empowered.
What I do know is that I hiked out of that field, of rainbows and stones, up the hill, hand in hand with my sweetheart, less burdened, less heavy, less restricted, less inhibited.
An accumulation of healing and effort, intention and investment.
I will mourn her, yes, but more than that, I will celebrate her release – And mine. This liberation is gold. Like diving off a cliff into a pile of fluffy mystical clouds.
My heart is my net. And if I’m honest with myself, it’s never truly let me down.
I don’t think I could have seen so clearly the resilience and the radiance of my tender mended heart’s oracle had she remained by my side.
I left feeling light and spacious. Not empty or lost, but full, in fact, perhaps even overflowing.
I will think of her, and remember her to be sure, but mostly I will be in the present with myself, the divine, my lover, my loved ones, my clients, and my wild heart.
I am invested in being here. I will keep my soul open to the infinite unknown. And I will follow that divine guidance, no-matter-what.
And so onward and godspeed.
Let the old disappear like fairy dust.
Trust the opening.
It’s ok to grieve, to experience the death of self or what once was.
Can you feel it happening in your life? The rhythm of letting go. Are you resisting? Try, dear one, to relax into it.
The fertile void asks that we honor endings to begin again. It’s a crucial part of growth. Transformation isn’t possible without it.
It’s easy to mistake this phase of growth as one where everything that once felt safe and secure seems to be falling apart. But beneath the surface of the dormant soil, things have never been more active.
We are experiencing a phase of initiation, renewal, and rebirth. Collectively and personally. You ought to give yourself time and space to recover and rest.
This is perhaps the most important part of our growth. And it takes faith and surrender to do it.
This is a very tender, powerful time. Trust the sureness of the fertile soil.
If you are feeling particularly activated during this time, please do not hesitate to reach out. I am here to create a sacred container for you, to guide and assist in your healing and transformation. And I’d love to learn what skin you’re shedding.
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